Shaken, Not Stirred: I’ll look good today!

August 14, 2016

Jim Bond

Jim Bond


A blog by Jim Bond.

Nice looking couple. Early to mid-30s. Couple of children with whom they engaged as they were ordering lunch at the counter of a popular West Michigan resort. I only saw them from behind; I was at a table waiting for my order to be delivered.

I like watching people. My eldest sons and I were on a road trip a few years ago and while on the interstate we would comment on the dynamics of others sharing the highway. We devised scenarios about who they were and what they were talking about as their vehicle sped along. I frequently do the same thing, was doing it with this family. My speculations about who they were and what they were discussing were all very positive until dad turned around and I saw the front of his t-shirt, bearing the proclamation:

‘I pooped today’.

My jaw probably dropped somewhat in amazement. Is this what lower to middle management wears while on holiday? Does this man really want to engage in scatological humor to all who can read? As the father of adolescent children, has he given up trying to steer his children away from ‘toilet humor’? Eclipsing all those questions was the thought that while selecting an ensemble that morning, this man was probably thinking:

“Oh yeah, I’ll look good today!”

Granted, I never wear t-shirts…I like collars. But if I did wear t-shirts they would be plain ones without pithy sayings, even though I do like cats, dogs, classical music, jazz, antique cars, and children. Not necessarily in that order.

There are other examples I’ve seen:

‘When I said – how stupid could you be – it wasn’t a challenge’

‘I’m not cranky, you’re just stupid’

’I hope your phone falls in a toilet’ (Hmmm, that one has some possibilities).

‘I’m with stupid’ (Hey that one says more about you than your partner)

And I’d be remiss not to mention the nurturing mothers who dress their children (let’s say two of them) in t-shirts bearing the message:

‘Thing 1’, and ‘Thing 2’.

Oh yes, there’s a sterling example of maternalistic inspiration. Why don’t you just put your children on a leash to fully support the idea that you view your children as animals? (Oh, you do that too?)

Lest you think I’m pristine in my language, let me assure you I’m not. I’ve known Editor-in-Chief Rob Alway for about a decade. I’m sure his hands tremble when opening the e-mail containing my blog every week, wondering how much editing he might have to do.

How would you feel encountering the loan manager of the bank where you just applied for a sizable mortgage while wearing a t-shirt which said:

Why don’t sharks attack bankers? Professional courtesy.’

So, maybe skip the t-shirt expressions. Bumper stickers are better anyway.

C’mon, 50 years from now while your successors are poring over photo albums of ‘The good ole days’ of family vacations, do you want this to be the epitaph?

‘I pooped today’.


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