Shaken, Not Stirred: “We’re sending you this dime…”

Jim Bond

Shaken, Not Stirred: “We’re sending you this dime…”

Shaken, Not Stirred. A blog by Jim Bond.

Sponsored by Pro-Master Carpet Cleaning, 231-757-9061, promastercarpetcleaning.com.

The last time I purchased ‘return address’ labels was several years ago. I designed them myself; a nice script font. I used them on my matching gray stationery and envelopes for personal notes and letters I sent.

I still have an ample supply. In the past few years my handwriting has suffered somewhat, due in part to a lack of practice. Like the majority of you, my communications are mostly on Facebook, texting (may the gods 4give us) and through e-mails. I regret that, but not enough to motivate me to resume the elegant practice of personal notes and letters in cursive.

So, the ‘return address’ labels were relegated to those bills I still pay with a check. It seemed a shame to pay my water bill in an envelope bearing such fancy script in the upper left-hand corner.  

Then one day I noticed that in my desk was a collection of those labels which had been sent to me as part of a promotion.

I’m a member of AAA for roadside assistance. They are continuously sending me applications for life insurance and other coverage. Included with the invitation is always a free gift (if it’s a gift, of course it’s free!), of a couple of hundred labels. They’re nice, but not as nice as the ones I bought a few years ago, but they’ll do the job of sending my annual payment to AAA.

Between AAA, Mutual of Omaha, and assorted charities, I have enough address labels to pay my water bill until the year 2102, by which time mankind may have evolved into a state where water is no longer needed. At 155 years of age, my children may have ‘passed away’ leaving no need for me to buy the life insurance these folks are trying to sell me.

But let’s address other types of ‘free gifts’.

The remainder of this blog should be credited to a friend who suggested this topic a few months ago. Most of her comments will be direct quotes, since her humor can’t be topped.

“We’re sending you this dime or nickel because we know you’ll return it with a donation to our charity. If they can send out dimes to millions of people why do they need my money?”

(Not to mention the cost of postage, printing, expensive window envelopes, the Scotch Brand tape to affix the shiny coin to the letter. [Plus the cost of sending a Hulk Hogan clone to the local bank to secure a few thousand dollars worth of dimes or nickels]).

“We’re sending you personalized note paper, address labels, pocket calendar, and happy face stickers because we know you might feel guilty and send us money.”

(Pocket calendar? I haven’t received one of those!)

“We made this beautiful American calendar for you with propaganda freedom quotes and inspirational sayings about how great America is! As a bonus we’re also giving you thousands of American flag stickers to put on envelopes, your walls, for your kids to show everyone how patriotic you are. These gifts are all free but if you don’t send us money, people might think you’re Un-American and that you don’t appreciate freedom!”

(How about including a ‘Goo-Gone’ infused handiwipe to remove the stickers your 4 year-old has affixed to your toilet?)

My friend’s message continues:

“I exaggerated a little…but you get the idea. I can do without the teddy bear, comfy blanket that feels like cardboard, dream catcher, prayer beads, personalized shower cap, etc! If they would stop spending money on sending me all of this stuff for me to recycle, I might send them a donation!”

I’m grateful for the ever-increasing practice of online solicitation. It saves money, saves trees, eliminates paper cuts upon opening the envelopes.

I may not be so thankful once my ‘return address’ label stockpile dwindles.

The opinions expressed in this blog do not necessarily reflect those of Media Group 31, LLC or its affiliates — Mason County Press, Oceana County Press, Manistee County Press.